Between being busy at work (only 4 more weeks and I will post much more frequently, I promise!) and not wanting to jinx anything I haven't done anything. Last week I had my readings, it went up to 241, still low but the doctor said lets not worry yet. Monday (yesterday) I had to go for more blood work and my number came back at 868 - not too good. So she called me up and told me that it could just be low counts but it's probably a miscarriage or ectopic. I have no symptoms of ectopic, (thank you God!) so I'm hoping it's just a miscarriage and will go away on it's own. I don't mean to sound cold hearted or anything but I would be lying if I said I was confident about this whole thing and overly excited. It's not that I wasn't excited to be pregnant because I was, I always had this underlying feeling that things weren't right. Trust me, I could be wrong and hope I am, hope its just low numbers, but in my heart I don't think that's the case. When she called yesterday and told me that, it kind of reaffirmed how I was feeling. So I called my mom and of course cried, then called my dad and cried there but then I felt better - well at that point it was more scared that something would happen to me. I don't want to seem selfish but really I'm the most important here. There can't be a baby without me and if something happens inside, there can't ever be a baby from me.
After my little meltdown I felt a little relieved. Last night I had a little bleeding (prior to it was just a little bit of icky browness, sorry just being honest, which can be completely normal) but around 730 there was some blood in the toilet and on the toilet paper. I had horrible period cramps so I called the doctor since she said call at any blood or any pain. Told them everything, they said it could be nothing but his guess is a miscarriage so to wait it out. I go tomorrow morning (Wed) for blood work so they can check my levels and then at noon I have an ultrasound to check to see if it is ectopic or what is going on. Haven't had any bleeding since last night, just some icky stuff so we'll see. I will just be glad for some answers.
I'm okay right now but poor Dave isn't. He didn't sleep last night. He doesn't understand why so many dirtbags just have 5 kids or people that aren't good parents have them. I keep telling him we will never know and there is a reason for all of this and not to get too down. This just wasn't the baby that was supposed to be with us - and if it turns out we're just really low counts and it does stay then my goodness it is supposed to be here to go through this drama. Dave can't understand why/how this could happen when we're young, mainly healthy, take care of ourselves. I tell him with all the blogs that I read, it just happens. There isn't an explanation but he doesn't know.
To top it off where I knew it was too good to be true - my best friend from FL, found out she was pregnant a few days after we did so our babies were conceived within about 5 days of each other. I was angry for a little bit wondering why, she already has 1 (who just turned 1) and it took them all of 3 months to get pregnant for a 2nd time (not even fully trying for the first one) but again, there is a plan. She is an incredible mother and a wonderful person so if it's going to happen to someone I'm glad it's her but of course a little disappointed that 1 we can't share this together and 2 that I just can't share it period.
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