A little secret

It's not that good but there is this little feeling creeping into me, each day that has passed since Tuesday, hoping that maybe, by some stroke of chance/luck I ovulated around the time hubs and I were together and it worked on it's own.  I don't have my hopes up by any means but I do have an ounce of hope like 'maybe' it's true.  I do not feel pregnant, at all.  Hubs keeps reminding me that I didn't show any symptoms until a little while after we found out and if I just ovulated last week then it wouldn't even show up yet and I wouldn't have symptoms but I don't know.  I can't put together what I'm thinking really into words.

After the miscarriage, I said no way was I going to go through that again anytime soon (on purpose) we were waiting at least 4-6 months to even think of trying again.  Then when I was in Florida, I was hanging out with my friends 1 year old, don't get me wrong she is a great baby, very well behaved, but I said no way do I want that just yet.  The constant needing attention, going on their schedule, can't sit on the beach and just read a book because you are chasing the baby. 

Yet, here I sit - a part of me secretly hoping that it will happen and in a few weeks I will take a test and it will say that magic word.  I don't want to be disappointed though so I'm trying to remember that the timing isn't great.  At this rate it would be due around February, right in the prime of my busy season at work, meaning I would miss out on all that comp time to help pay for maternity leave (we get zero dollars, just time off) and then maternity leave will be in the miserableness of winter.  Whereas if we wait another 2 months (assuming it happens) it would be due in April or May - getting paid for some of my maternity leave and have May-July off of work.  Now - I keep telling myself, you won't be working full-time once you go back (with hubs schedule and working 2 out of 8 days, I will only work part-time so a baby will not go to daycare and I can try to enjoy them growing up) I won't be stuck working everyday so it's ok but it's still nice to think about.

Anyway - it will all unfold how it's supposed too.  For now, I will sit here and keep going to the bathroom everytime you feel anything thinking 'ooo is that it?'